A Man Has Never

Our parental leave system is one of the biggest reasons men out-earn and out-rank women. So here's my proposal.

Our parental leave system is one of the biggest reasons men out-earn and out-rank women.

I’ve been wanting to talk about this for a while. But it’s a polarizing topic. So here goes.

I have a firm belief that men and women should get the same family leave, and be required to take all of it. Let me explain why.

First, to the moms: I see you. The time to process, to heal in body and mind, to bond with our babies, to watch the developmental moments, to find a rhythm in our new normal… it's paramount to our success. Personally and professionally.

And to the dads (I'm assuming a hetero setup here): you should get the time too. You may not have gone through birth, but you can do the chores, the diaper changes, the bottle washing, the grocery runs, and help your wife recover. On top of being with your baby.

Here's my proposal: you leave work at 38 weeks to "nest" if you're going full-term, or two weeks before your induction or scheduled C-section. Those last two weeks can be brutal. So this gives the family time to get everything in order before a life-changing event we've somehow normalized again and again. Then you go back after five months. Both parents, all of it, required.

Why so much time? If you've had a kid, you know how much it takes. The recovery and the constant feeding and the slow crawl toward a full night of sleep. The way the family dynamic shifts when there's more than one. Figuring out a new normal that is anything but normal. Learning to trust someone else with your baby. Getting to actually know them! Their quirks, their smiles, how they soothe themselves. Five months off (though I'd love more) feels right. And most working parents I talk to are ready to come back by then.

Why both parents? Because if only the mother leaves, the father comes back first. He "bounces back." He's around more, staffed on more, seen more. So he gets promoted first. When only the mother disappears, the father gets rewarded for staying in his chair.

Now, forcing people to take five months off is controlling. Like, who am I to tell a woman she can't go back early if she wants to? But let’s be honest about the choice we have now. A dad can take his leave or skip it, and skipping it moves him up. A mom takes hers and pays for it. When taking your leave costs you and skipping it pays, nobody really is choosing freely. By making both parents take the same time, the penalty for leaving goes away. Then we can talk about choice.

Do you know what it's like to be in your prime childbearing years and constantly doing the math? Which projects are worth starting and which people to get in front of before you go. Weighing a new job against how long you'd need to rebuild credibility before you could leave again. Timing your next baby around your career so you don't wreck either one. A man has never.

Another thing. I was talking to a few men in their 60s, still working, who laughed at the idea that men need more than two weeks. That generation loves to say they went back the next day. I'm sorry you had to. It doesn't mean we do. Thirty years ago people didn't move as far. They stayed near where they grew up, so family was close, and family close by means help with the baby and the mother. That’s mostly gone now. We leave for college in other states, move to other cities, and settle down where we have no family and no village. The one the older generation got to lean on.

I go back to work next week after the best five-plus months of my life. I had a few weeks before my daughter came to nest, get the house ready, and brace myself. Then came the hard part: the intrusive thoughts, the trouble with feeding, the guilt over things only hormones can explain. And then the relief after I stopped breastfeeding, when day by day I started to feel like whoever I was becoming. Our little fam took two vacations, tried new restaurants, met more babies, hit the pool, golfed, walked A LOT, and spent so much time in our favorite place (our house). We went from meeting our girl at one day old to watching her roll over and smile at us when she wakes up. Like, how fucking amazing is that. All of it has me fired up to get back to work.

But am I anxious about the future? Absolutely. Do I have to think about what more kids would do to my career? The tradeoff of taking less time, because part of me already feels like I can't take the whole time again?

So, where does this leave us? Women who want careers keep fighting. Women who want kids also never stop watching the clock. And men keep climbing while we’re gone. Making both parents take the same leave won’t fix everything. But it is the first thing that would make the cost of leaving feel the same.