You know how your parents have those sayings that end up becoming little soundtracks in your head? One of my dad’s greatest hits is: “I don’t want to spend time around people with negative energy.” He’s been saying it for as long as I can remember.
At the time, it felt obvious—my dad is one of the most charismatic, upbeat, genuinely curious people you’ll ever meet. (People in his orbit call him “America’s Friend,” which tells you everything you need to know.) So yeah, of course he didn’t want to be around grumpy people.
But it’s only in the past few years that I’ve started to realize how profound that little filter actually is. It's become one of the clearest and most useful frameworks I have for deciding who deserves my time.
Negative energy can show up in a lot of ways. It’s not always loud or dramatic. It can be subtle. For me, it’s when people default to smallness in conversation. Complaints, gossip, low-effort observations. They find other people to bond over negativity with, and that becomes the foundation of the relationship.
Some of my personal favorites (said with love and a liiiittle eye roll):
“This weather is miserable, isn’t it?”
“Ugh, traffic was such a nightmare.”
“They’re out of my favorite coffee again. Of course.”
“I’m just so busy.” (Honestly, who isn’t?)
And sure—there’s a time and place for all of this. I’ve definitely been that person. You probably have too. We’re human. But over time, you start to notice the pattern. Certain people always bring that kind of energy into the room. And it’s... draining.
So why spend time with them?
Instead, I want to be around people who are curious. People who ask good questions. People who are excited to learn and to share—not just about things, but about themselves. That kind of energy is magnetic. It leads to richer, more dynamic conversations. You leave feeling energized. Expanded. Alive. It sounds dramatic, but I really believe that those kinds of conversations are what life is about.
Curiosity, I’ve realized, is one of my core values. I think part of that comes from how I was raised (there’s a whole side tangent here about how your values are shaped by your upbringing, which I’ll save for another day). But it’s also deeply tied to how I learn, how I connect, and what I find fulfilling.
It can be hard to spot this stuff right away—especially in newer relationships or quick catch-ups—but I’ve found myself paying attention to a few signals:
Did the conversation make me feel more myself, or less?
Did I laugh? Like, actually laugh?
Did we build on anything together, or was it just a “how are you / what’s new” volley with no substance?
Did I learn something? About them, about me, about anything?
And to be clear: not everything has to be deep. Sometimes it’s about being with people who let you be goofy. Or weird. Or quiet. People you can feel light with and still leave feeling like it mattered.
I think this all ties into choosing depth over breadth when it comes to friendships. I’m all for having a wide network—and there’s real value in that—but where you spend your time should be with the people who bring you back to yourself. The ones who make life feel a little richer. The ones who help you expand.
Lately, I’ve been thinking of it as a kind of energy audit. After you spend time with someone, ask yourself: Did that fill me up or drain me? Did it open me or close me off a little? It’s subtle, but usually the answer is pretty clear.
Love this! <3